Well here I am again;

Here I am back in Indiana. I stepped on that plane and took that step away from my life. The life I so desperately wanted and still do. But I was hoping for a fight.
That man I love so much I was hoping he would have told me to stay told me not to go and that he wanted me to be there. But I was disappointed.
these last couple months I've been struggling with myself and my marriage. If you haven't read my last blog post all those feelings are in there.
I still feel that way. I feel like I have no meaning in my life but to be a parent to Alexis. I feel like nothing is going right within myself. I am struggling with that fact.
I love my daughter more then life and I wish I could give her that happy home and happy family. I wish I could give her a happy mommy and happy daddy.
I walked away from my life, I walked away because I felt not wanted or loved in the relationship. and all i needed was the reassurance that he did want me and love me.
So here I am yet again separated from the man I love because i felt like he didn't love me enough to stop me. I am sitting here confused and lost because all I can picture is myself running from that plane and still being disappointed. I feel like making that step was a mistake, yes, but also i feel like if i didn't make that step i would have never known and I would still be disappointed.
And now I just feel lost because everything I believed in is gone. Everything that I had hoped for is lost...

WHY I STAYED;

I was once happy where I was. There were infinite possibilities—the love we shared was deep and powerful—I was desperate to rekindle that.
In the beginning, it felt wonderful and joyous as we were exploring new things together and I was learning so much about myself.
I remembered the fun we used to have and how fulfilled I was. He was everything I thought I wanted.
My friends and family used to comment on how happy I was, as if they were envious of the joy I radiated. They wanted it too, or so I thought.
When things started to change, and the feelings began to fade, I wondered where I went wrong. I was hopeful that it would come back that strong again.
I was upset with myself, that I was somehow to blame.
I felt that staying showed my commitment and I was worried that if I leave too soon I would live to regret it.
I waited for things to get better. I stayed optimistic that things would change.
I questioned many times if I should leave.
But instead, I looked for signs that I should stay. And sometimes when I looked hard enough, I found them.
Besides, it wasn’t terrible and there was still some good left. Others certainly had it worse.

 WHY I LEFT;

This man I look at every day was a great man. He made sure we had a roof over our head, food in our stomach's, and made sure the power was always on.
But there was always something missing. That connection to his family.
That connection to me. I told him before I left fight for us if you really loved us. I gave him up to the very last second to tell us to stay. And he never did. He let me walk away. The man I needed to hear those three little words from let me walk away.


As I sit here today with all these mixed emotions, I also remember nothing in this world will ever make me stop loving that man. No one will ever understand and I don't think he will ever understand how much I love him. And right now that's okay.... He will realize it one day.... I HOPE.

The last couple months

The last couple months have been trying for me. I decided to move forward in the marriage I was in. I moved half way across the US to Arizona and uprooted my whole life. Which is okay it's not that bad here in Arizona. Of course I miss Indiana but something is holding me back from being happy. Everyone says it's my husband. My husband says it's myself. But honestly how am I supposed to be happy when I don't even know who I am anymore.
How exactly do you find yourself?
How do you begin that journey?
Where does it end? The self loathing? The emptiness? The anger?
How do you feel while again?
I always believed having a person you love and a family makes you whole but for me now that's not the case.
I used to be this fun loving sweet innocent girl. Sure I had my demons and had a hard time coping in high school.
And I thought the older I get the less the demons can hurt me. But it seems no matter what I do they creep back into my head. I can feel the darkness sneaking into my soul and devouring every light thing it comes into contact with.
It's like a rabid animal that hasn't eaten in years. It was any light that it senses. No matter what the happiness. It makes me feel alone. No one understands. No matter how simply I try to explain it. No one listensthey think I should just stop focusing on the bad and be thankful for what I have. And it's not that I'm not thankful it's that I don't know how to be thankful. I'm such a miserable person lately. And it's not fair do me to continue on this way.
I could never really go through with killing myself because I know that it would hurt the people around me. And I really don't want to do that either. I mean I do think to myself would these people be better off without me. What about if they never even met me. I always wonder what kind of impact I've made on this planet. Have I really even bettered anyone's life? Have I done any good at all?
I struggle with the question "what's the point of my life" where's my purpose? Why was I put on this earth? To sit and struggle with depression? To hurt the people around me? WHAT'S THE POINT?!
I'm a constant disappointment. I'm always letting someone down. Especially my husband. I love that man so much but yet I'm constantly angry at him. He doesn't understand me anymore he doesn't even try to   What am I supposed to do when he doesn't understand I'm just lost! I'm struggling day in and day out to try and keep myself from having a breakdown. I can't cry around him he thinks I'm just faking it for dramatics. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do anymore. All he cares about is a clean house... I feel no safety with him. I'm so angry. I don't even know if he really still loves me. Which I'd understand. I wouldn't want to be with someone who is as big of a mess as me. I'm all over the road. He deserves a whole girl not someone who is completely shattered. My heart breaks to say this but maybe he was right not to want to be with me last year....
I don't know anymore I wish I did....
I wish I was more...
I wish I was better...

How do I get better when better always seems to fade?