Well here I am again;

Here I am back in Indiana. I stepped on that plane and took that step away from my life. The life I so desperately wanted and still do. But I was hoping for a fight.
That man I love so much I was hoping he would have told me to stay told me not to go and that he wanted me to be there. But I was disappointed.
these last couple months I've been struggling with myself and my marriage. If you haven't read my last blog post all those feelings are in there.
I still feel that way. I feel like I have no meaning in my life but to be a parent to Alexis. I feel like nothing is going right within myself. I am struggling with that fact.
I love my daughter more then life and I wish I could give her that happy home and happy family. I wish I could give her a happy mommy and happy daddy.
I walked away from my life, I walked away because I felt not wanted or loved in the relationship. and all i needed was the reassurance that he did want me and love me.
So here I am yet again separated from the man I love because i felt like he didn't love me enough to stop me. I am sitting here confused and lost because all I can picture is myself running from that plane and still being disappointed. I feel like making that step was a mistake, yes, but also i feel like if i didn't make that step i would have never known and I would still be disappointed.
And now I just feel lost because everything I believed in is gone. Everything that I had hoped for is lost...

WHY I STAYED;

I was once happy where I was. There were infinite possibilities—the love we shared was deep and powerful—I was desperate to rekindle that.
In the beginning, it felt wonderful and joyous as we were exploring new things together and I was learning so much about myself.
I remembered the fun we used to have and how fulfilled I was. He was everything I thought I wanted.
My friends and family used to comment on how happy I was, as if they were envious of the joy I radiated. They wanted it too, or so I thought.
When things started to change, and the feelings began to fade, I wondered where I went wrong. I was hopeful that it would come back that strong again.
I was upset with myself, that I was somehow to blame.
I felt that staying showed my commitment and I was worried that if I leave too soon I would live to regret it.
I waited for things to get better. I stayed optimistic that things would change.
I questioned many times if I should leave.
But instead, I looked for signs that I should stay. And sometimes when I looked hard enough, I found them.
Besides, it wasn’t terrible and there was still some good left. Others certainly had it worse.

 WHY I LEFT;

This man I look at every day was a great man. He made sure we had a roof over our head, food in our stomach's, and made sure the power was always on.
But there was always something missing. That connection to his family.
That connection to me. I told him before I left fight for us if you really loved us. I gave him up to the very last second to tell us to stay. And he never did. He let me walk away. The man I needed to hear those three little words from let me walk away.


As I sit here today with all these mixed emotions, I also remember nothing in this world will ever make me stop loving that man. No one will ever understand and I don't think he will ever understand how much I love him. And right now that's okay.... He will realize it one day.... I HOPE.