The last couple months

The last couple months have been trying for me. I decided to move forward in the marriage I was in. I moved half way across the US to Arizona and uprooted my whole life. Which is okay it's not that bad here in Arizona. Of course I miss Indiana but something is holding me back from being happy. Everyone says it's my husband. My husband says it's myself. But honestly how am I supposed to be happy when I don't even know who I am anymore.
How exactly do you find yourself?
How do you begin that journey?
Where does it end? The self loathing? The emptiness? The anger?
How do you feel while again?
I always believed having a person you love and a family makes you whole but for me now that's not the case.
I used to be this fun loving sweet innocent girl. Sure I had my demons and had a hard time coping in high school.
And I thought the older I get the less the demons can hurt me. But it seems no matter what I do they creep back into my head. I can feel the darkness sneaking into my soul and devouring every light thing it comes into contact with.
It's like a rabid animal that hasn't eaten in years. It was any light that it senses. No matter what the happiness. It makes me feel alone. No one understands. No matter how simply I try to explain it. No one listensthey think I should just stop focusing on the bad and be thankful for what I have. And it's not that I'm not thankful it's that I don't know how to be thankful. I'm such a miserable person lately. And it's not fair do me to continue on this way.
I could never really go through with killing myself because I know that it would hurt the people around me. And I really don't want to do that either. I mean I do think to myself would these people be better off without me. What about if they never even met me. I always wonder what kind of impact I've made on this planet. Have I really even bettered anyone's life? Have I done any good at all?
I struggle with the question "what's the point of my life" where's my purpose? Why was I put on this earth? To sit and struggle with depression? To hurt the people around me? WHAT'S THE POINT?!
I'm a constant disappointment. I'm always letting someone down. Especially my husband. I love that man so much but yet I'm constantly angry at him. He doesn't understand me anymore he doesn't even try to   What am I supposed to do when he doesn't understand I'm just lost! I'm struggling day in and day out to try and keep myself from having a breakdown. I can't cry around him he thinks I'm just faking it for dramatics. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do anymore. All he cares about is a clean house... I feel no safety with him. I'm so angry. I don't even know if he really still loves me. Which I'd understand. I wouldn't want to be with someone who is as big of a mess as me. I'm all over the road. He deserves a whole girl not someone who is completely shattered. My heart breaks to say this but maybe he was right not to want to be with me last year....
I don't know anymore I wish I did....
I wish I was more...
I wish I was better...

How do I get better when better always seems to fade?