I missed a couple days of writing. I've actually been out and not mopping around the house anymore. I have been having fun and doing things I haven't gotten to do since being held down.
I am starting to realize how unhappy I have been the last couple years and why.
I have realized being in a relationship with someone who wants to set limits for you but doesn't like having limits set for them is toxic. And I started seeing the little signs on the relationships I have been in. And why I was truly unhappy!
Everyone always said these guys were doing these things behind my back and even controlling my life and now I can see that! I can see all the wrong doings and bad things.
And I don't want that anymore. I want to be my own person I want to grow into myself and be me again. I wanna be that happy girl who was always laughing and giggling and goofing around and I know I still can be that and be a mother. And that is something great to me!
I can be a great mom and still be a great me also. This whole revaluation thing has done wonders for my soul. I feel lighter and free. I haven't felt that way in such a long time and it feels fabulous.
I always felt like I had to rely on someone being there but this last year it was like I was on my own anyone just with restrictions!
I am going to start living my life for me and no one else. If I want to do something crazy no one has the right to judge my actions. Its MY life and doesn't affect anyone but me. I am done listening to others tell me what I can and can't do! If I want to go out I will go out! If I want to have a drink I'll go drink. If I decide I want to be away from the manipulation then I will. I honestly don't care about anyone that doesn't act like they care about me!
I am wiping my hands clean and making a life for me and my daughter, and that's all I need to do!
The last few days, I have really started feeling like I am becoming the me I really want to be <3
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Monday, March 24, 2014
Day Six
All I want from someone, anyone, is to know that all they want is me. I just want someone to put me first and always make sure I don't feel like I'm not wanted.
In my marriage, it was like he put work in front of me and always made me feel like I wasn't worth of his time. And then I started feeling like is it just work? Or is he turning into all the other guys and seeing someone on the side? Am I not worth the effort in just spending time together anymore? Or is there someone better out there that has caught his attention?
Then I start thinking maybe he is better off without me because I am not that great. Maybe another woman would make him happier then I ever could.
I don't know whats real or whats fake anymore in my life because anything that is good always turns bad. It's hard to accept things the way they are because you never know how they REALLY are.
Like if you love someone how do you know they really love you? How do you know they aren't hiding things from you? How do you know they don't have a secret life when they are away from you?
I want to believe that everyone is always honest and truthful but the fact is not a lot of people are now a days. I want to be able to trust people, but its hard when people keep on deceiving you. You can't even trust your own spouse because who knows he might have a secret side you don't know of. And you are to blinded by the fact that you love that person to see all the lies.
And maybe that's my problem I am so easy to trust everyone and hard headed enough not to see whats right in front of me.
I wish everyone could just tell the truth and be honest even if it hurts. I know I try to be.
In my marriage, it was like he put work in front of me and always made me feel like I wasn't worth of his time. And then I started feeling like is it just work? Or is he turning into all the other guys and seeing someone on the side? Am I not worth the effort in just spending time together anymore? Or is there someone better out there that has caught his attention?
Then I start thinking maybe he is better off without me because I am not that great. Maybe another woman would make him happier then I ever could.
I don't know whats real or whats fake anymore in my life because anything that is good always turns bad. It's hard to accept things the way they are because you never know how they REALLY are.
Like if you love someone how do you know they really love you? How do you know they aren't hiding things from you? How do you know they don't have a secret life when they are away from you?
I want to believe that everyone is always honest and truthful but the fact is not a lot of people are now a days. I want to be able to trust people, but its hard when people keep on deceiving you. You can't even trust your own spouse because who knows he might have a secret side you don't know of. And you are to blinded by the fact that you love that person to see all the lies.
And maybe that's my problem I am so easy to trust everyone and hard headed enough not to see whats right in front of me.
I wish everyone could just tell the truth and be honest even if it hurts. I know I try to be.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Day Five
How do you know what you are doing with your life is right?
All I do is struggle and feel like crap. And all I want is to be okay and have just a good life. I don't know how to feel like what I'm doing is right. I have all these dreams and aspirations. But I don't know how to make them work or come true.
Today's blog isn't going to be very long. I'm more confused than anything today.
I just want to know the path I'm on is the right one and that I'm doing what's best for me and my daughter.
Day five of becoming the me I want to be, and I wish I knew what was right.
All I do is struggle and feel like crap. And all I want is to be okay and have just a good life. I don't know how to feel like what I'm doing is right. I have all these dreams and aspirations. But I don't know how to make them work or come true.
Today's blog isn't going to be very long. I'm more confused than anything today.
I just want to know the path I'm on is the right one and that I'm doing what's best for me and my daughter.
Day five of becoming the me I want to be, and I wish I knew what was right.
Day Four
Today was a good day. I haven't had one of those in such a long time and it was like a breath of fresh air. When you expect things to just always go wrong and you really don't know how to appreciate good days. But today, today I appreciated it and I enjoyed myself, and I let myself just be free for a little while without pain or sadness.
It was nothing big really. I went to see a movie with my best friend. I was worry free for about 3-4 hours! It felt so so good. I needed that in light of all the bad that has been happening.
I have realized how hard it is to find good people to surround yourself around. You think you can trust certain people and they end up turning into these monsters you don't know. You loose touch with people you thought were going to be a forever kind of friend. It's hard growing up and not truly knowing who has your back.
When you meet someone and become best friends you think "man this person will be in my life forever!" And you learn to trust them with every single dirty secret and you learn to make room in your heart for them. Then one day, they decide they don't want to be friends anymore because "their views aren't the same and they can't watch you go down a bad path" or whatever else excuse they want to make to not be your friend anymore.
Then you are left with a void of someone who you thought was going to be there till the end. And you think about how much you trusted that person and how much you have told them. Then wonder who are they going to tell your secrets too. Who will they spread lies about you too?
And you regret ever telling them one single thing about you and you hate them for making you feel like you could be vulnerable to them! How dare they right?
I have learned you can't trust anyone really with those dirty little secrets unless you want the past to keep popping up at your door. But you also don't guard yourself from opening yourself up to a new friendship.
Loosing one friend could lead you to find a better friendship.
Just because you think you "know" someone doesn't mean you really know them. You can be friends on facebook, mutal friends of a friend, or whatever and think you know the person because of what you read or hear but that is not the same. They could be a great friend and they could open the door to a great friendship.
But also, once you have trusted a friend so many times and they continue to always let you down and choose other roads without you then you need to let that friendship go and do something bigger and better and also prove them wrong about any negative things they say about you!
This is day four of becoming the me I want to be, and I am finally starting to feel good.
It was nothing big really. I went to see a movie with my best friend. I was worry free for about 3-4 hours! It felt so so good. I needed that in light of all the bad that has been happening.
I have realized how hard it is to find good people to surround yourself around. You think you can trust certain people and they end up turning into these monsters you don't know. You loose touch with people you thought were going to be a forever kind of friend. It's hard growing up and not truly knowing who has your back.
When you meet someone and become best friends you think "man this person will be in my life forever!" And you learn to trust them with every single dirty secret and you learn to make room in your heart for them. Then one day, they decide they don't want to be friends anymore because "their views aren't the same and they can't watch you go down a bad path" or whatever else excuse they want to make to not be your friend anymore.
Then you are left with a void of someone who you thought was going to be there till the end. And you think about how much you trusted that person and how much you have told them. Then wonder who are they going to tell your secrets too. Who will they spread lies about you too?
And you regret ever telling them one single thing about you and you hate them for making you feel like you could be vulnerable to them! How dare they right?
I have learned you can't trust anyone really with those dirty little secrets unless you want the past to keep popping up at your door. But you also don't guard yourself from opening yourself up to a new friendship.
Loosing one friend could lead you to find a better friendship.
Just because you think you "know" someone doesn't mean you really know them. You can be friends on facebook, mutal friends of a friend, or whatever and think you know the person because of what you read or hear but that is not the same. They could be a great friend and they could open the door to a great friendship.
But also, once you have trusted a friend so many times and they continue to always let you down and choose other roads without you then you need to let that friendship go and do something bigger and better and also prove them wrong about any negative things they say about you!
This is day four of becoming the me I want to be, and I am finally starting to feel good.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Day Three
For as long as I can remember I have dealt with depression. No matter how happy I wanted to be I could never bring myself to the full potential. For most of my life there was always someone criticizing me or my actions. I was never good enough, smart enough, fun enough, etc. I never felt like I would be good enough for anyone I met. I would have my days where I just wanted to end it all. Forget everyone and everything and just die.
But I could never bring myself to it, I wanted something better I just never knew how to make things better. I was angry at myself for never feeling good or happy truly. I took it out on a lot of people and they all wounded up giving up on me. I felt like a lost cause, no one could fix me.
Of course no one could fix me, I was the only one who could ever truly make myself happy. I needed to learn how to accept the things about me I can't change and change the things I could.
I am the only one who dictates my future. I am the only one who can make myself truly happy.
If I want to be happy I have to just accept the past and understand it cannot be changed but my future can. I can make myself happy and show my daughter that she doesn't need anyone but herself if she wants happiness.
I went through years of hating myself and my life, blaming others for my issues, for always bringing me down and making me feel bad about myself.
This time I am taking a stand for myself and letting myself be my own hero.
If I want to be happy I have to start taking better care of myself and my emotions. If I want something I go for it. If I want to loose weight I don't give up.
You have to work your ass off to feel normal again when you go through the years I have. It might take a lot of hard work and time but I think I am worth the effort. If I want to be happy, then this is what I need to do.
I am going to set goals and make things better for me and for my daughter.
If my husband decides to join us, then good for him.
All I know is I am doing this for ME, not anyone else.
This is day three of becoming the me I want to be, and its going to be one hell of a ride!
But I could never bring myself to it, I wanted something better I just never knew how to make things better. I was angry at myself for never feeling good or happy truly. I took it out on a lot of people and they all wounded up giving up on me. I felt like a lost cause, no one could fix me.
Of course no one could fix me, I was the only one who could ever truly make myself happy. I needed to learn how to accept the things about me I can't change and change the things I could.
I am the only one who dictates my future. I am the only one who can make myself truly happy.
If I want to be happy I have to just accept the past and understand it cannot be changed but my future can. I can make myself happy and show my daughter that she doesn't need anyone but herself if she wants happiness.
I went through years of hating myself and my life, blaming others for my issues, for always bringing me down and making me feel bad about myself.
This time I am taking a stand for myself and letting myself be my own hero.
If I want to be happy I have to start taking better care of myself and my emotions. If I want something I go for it. If I want to loose weight I don't give up.
You have to work your ass off to feel normal again when you go through the years I have. It might take a lot of hard work and time but I think I am worth the effort. If I want to be happy, then this is what I need to do.
I am going to set goals and make things better for me and for my daughter.
If my husband decides to join us, then good for him.
All I know is I am doing this for ME, not anyone else.
This is day three of becoming the me I want to be, and its going to be one hell of a ride!
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Day Two
Sitting alone at night is hard. Sleeping alone is even harder. When you are used to sharing a bed with someone for so long and then they disappear from your life, it is like you don't know what to do with your body. Your mind races and you make these scenarios about what you wish would happen and how they would happen. You feel like you might cry but you hold it together because you know you are better then that and you are better then letting that other person break you down anymore then they have already.
How do you know enough is really enough when you love someone so much it hurts? How do you truly know?
Of course you know that you deserve better and you deserve not to hurt anymore. You deserve someone who won't walk out and destroy you every chance they get. You deserve so much better then what that other person has given you. But you don't want better, you want things to change with that person. You want that person to put you first. You want them to make you feel special. You want them to look in your eyes and make you feel that magic. You want to be loved.
I always thought it was him. I thought when I met him that he was it. He was going to change my world and make me feel things again. When we first met he never looked through me. He would look me in the eyes and talk to me. He would make me feel magic. He promised me the world. He told me that he was going to love me forever and nothing in this world would EVER change his mind. He told me I was beautiful and the only girl he ever wanted. He always told me he'd stick by me unlike every other person in my life. And I believed him because he saw me for me.
Then he stopped seeing me for me. He started judging me, calling me names, and playing games with my head. But he was a master with his words and I always forgave him. I kept saying things will be better tomorrow... they never did.
We had our good days of course and he made me feel good again but it never lasted long. He blamed me for not trying to move away from Indiana. I stole his dream away. I took his choice and stomped it to the ground. That's one mistake I will always regret.
When Alexis was born he was always working, never home, and I started getting restless. I just wanted to spend time with him and our daughter. We began fighting because of it. Maybe I shouldn't have taken it out on him and been so hard on him but I got tired of always being home. He had these expectations of me to be a housewife when we didn't even have our own house. He wanted me to cook and clean and take care of our daughter and make sure he was still taken care of when he was home. I didn't feel good enough because I didn't feel like I should have to do that for a home that wasn't truly ours. I was wrong, I see that now, but then I was stuck in my ways.
I was the only child and always had things handed to me. I barely had to work to get things done. I never had to really clean or cook much. So I didn't understand why it was such a big deal.
I sunk into this depression I thought was long gone. I got angry because he was never there for me physically or emotionally. I was mad for a lot of different reasons and I took it out on him. Then he started getting angry back. And things have went downhill ever since....
But three years later, I know in my heart that if we stopped being so angry at each other and start really trying for each other we could work. Stop being so damn stubborn and hard headed and try to build a new relationship it could be better then before. But he doesn't want to try because "he has tried for 3 years". Which is fine but he now expects me to just give up and leave him alone. To just throw away 3 years of my life and my marriage because hes "done"? No way. I am better then that. Sure I am not going to fight with him over it daily. If he wants to be alone, go for it. But I will not get a divorce. He might be immature now, thinking of himself, not really caring what happens with me or our daughter. But he will grow up sometime. And maybe sooner or later I will be done waiting around and find someone else. But today is not that day. Not now.
This is day two of becoming the me I want to be, and it wont be ending anytime soon.
How do you know enough is really enough when you love someone so much it hurts? How do you truly know?
Of course you know that you deserve better and you deserve not to hurt anymore. You deserve someone who won't walk out and destroy you every chance they get. You deserve so much better then what that other person has given you. But you don't want better, you want things to change with that person. You want that person to put you first. You want them to make you feel special. You want them to look in your eyes and make you feel that magic. You want to be loved.
I always thought it was him. I thought when I met him that he was it. He was going to change my world and make me feel things again. When we first met he never looked through me. He would look me in the eyes and talk to me. He would make me feel magic. He promised me the world. He told me that he was going to love me forever and nothing in this world would EVER change his mind. He told me I was beautiful and the only girl he ever wanted. He always told me he'd stick by me unlike every other person in my life. And I believed him because he saw me for me.
Then he stopped seeing me for me. He started judging me, calling me names, and playing games with my head. But he was a master with his words and I always forgave him. I kept saying things will be better tomorrow... they never did.
We had our good days of course and he made me feel good again but it never lasted long. He blamed me for not trying to move away from Indiana. I stole his dream away. I took his choice and stomped it to the ground. That's one mistake I will always regret.
When Alexis was born he was always working, never home, and I started getting restless. I just wanted to spend time with him and our daughter. We began fighting because of it. Maybe I shouldn't have taken it out on him and been so hard on him but I got tired of always being home. He had these expectations of me to be a housewife when we didn't even have our own house. He wanted me to cook and clean and take care of our daughter and make sure he was still taken care of when he was home. I didn't feel good enough because I didn't feel like I should have to do that for a home that wasn't truly ours. I was wrong, I see that now, but then I was stuck in my ways.
I was the only child and always had things handed to me. I barely had to work to get things done. I never had to really clean or cook much. So I didn't understand why it was such a big deal.
I sunk into this depression I thought was long gone. I got angry because he was never there for me physically or emotionally. I was mad for a lot of different reasons and I took it out on him. Then he started getting angry back. And things have went downhill ever since....
But three years later, I know in my heart that if we stopped being so angry at each other and start really trying for each other we could work. Stop being so damn stubborn and hard headed and try to build a new relationship it could be better then before. But he doesn't want to try because "he has tried for 3 years". Which is fine but he now expects me to just give up and leave him alone. To just throw away 3 years of my life and my marriage because hes "done"? No way. I am better then that. Sure I am not going to fight with him over it daily. If he wants to be alone, go for it. But I will not get a divorce. He might be immature now, thinking of himself, not really caring what happens with me or our daughter. But he will grow up sometime. And maybe sooner or later I will be done waiting around and find someone else. But today is not that day. Not now.
This is day two of becoming the me I want to be, and it wont be ending anytime soon.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Day One
I always thought that love would be easy. You fall in love and you live happily ever after. At least that's what the story books always told me. I fall for people easily and fast. I always see the good in them and thats what makes me fall so deep.
When I first fell in love I had such high hopes, I was 15 and young and free. He took my hand and promised me forever. He romanced me and he took EVERYTHING from me. I thought he was my forever, and I let him take the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't give away (at least not till I was out of high school). I let him take it and he took it selfishly and then took my heart slammed it on the ground and curb stomped it. I thought my life was over. I thought I would never find another person like him because I thought he was my one and only. I mean hey I was 15 and naive. I moped around for months and months hoping that my heart would stop loving him. Then one day he came back, he said he made a mistake and he wanted to be with me again. I was ecstatic, it made me think that he really was the one for me. Two weeks later, he dumps me for some pretty girl.
That lead me on a spiral of doing bad things with another wrong guy. Lets call him R.
He was my first real, I'd do anything for him head over heels, love. He was also my best friends ex boyfriend. But I didn't care. He made me laugh. He made me feel special for the first time in my life I felt like I was something to someone. I could talk to him about everything and anything. And when he looked into my eyes with those beautiful blue eyes I would fall deeper in love. I was 16 when I actually hung out with him as a friend and not as a friends boyfriend. Originally it wasn't supposed to end that way, I was supposed to be with someone else but plans changed. And he stayed with me all night and we talked. He gave me butterflies and made me laugh harder then I ever thought I could. But things changed 3 months down the road, he became mean and sadistic. He would sit and call me names for no reason. He would fight with me day and night no matter what. He knew how to make me feel high but always how to feel lower then dirt. But I allowed it, for 6 months. I didn't know that love wasn't supposed to be that way. I just knew that he made me feel whole but still made me feel empty too. Then he found someone else, a total downgrade in my opinion, but he didn't want me anymore. But I also knew that wasn't the end of our story.
After that heartbreak I went through guy to guy just dating around. Having fun but not letting myself get to serious. Then I found A.
God, in my eyes he was perfect. He was good looking, funny, sweet, and caring. I never thought I would find a guy like that. He had his flaws of course but nothing that really stood out. He loved me for me and was there for me. We fell for each other fast and everything was purely emotional. A was the one guy I didn't feel like needed sex to be with me. He took care of me while I was sick and we never had a big blow out fight till we broke up that is. The one day I planned to have sex, we were just about to when I refused because there was no protection. He got mad and he left and wouldn't answer my calls or texts. I was upset and hurt so I broke it off. To me now that was a regret I wish I could take back. I have apologized to him but he will not forgive me.
After me and A broke up, I found R again. He was just about to graduate out of the army and he wanted to get back together. So I said yes. But then he started doing his game where he would not talk to me for days and then still send me a text that he is thinking of me. I just couldn't let myself get back to the girl who was always being put down. Who felt broken all the time. I just couldn't do it not anymore. So I broke up with him this time. I supposedly "broke his heart" but to this day I don't believe it.
I was fine being single (not for very long) but I was okay with it. Then one night I went out dancing and I met someone familiar. A guy that I haven't seen in years. He was my best friend in middle school and I had the biggest crush on him. And my how he grew! Literally, he was very very short in middle school! Ha! But he asked me for my number and I gave it to him and we talked for days. And then we started hanging out, and he kissed me. Like I said I fall quick and easy. We moved in together and we were together for almost 2 years. I thought I loved him for a long time. I thought I had a future with him. But I found out he cheated, with not only one but three other girls. And he was always hitting on someone and wouldn't cut ties with his ex who was still in love with him. I felt stuck. I didn't know what to do. Then he joined the army. And introduced me to his best friend the day he left. Told him to look after me and take care of me. I still stayed with him through out the training. We were planning on getting married. I am not good at hurting people so I decided to just settle because I didn't think anyone else would want me.
So I started hanging out with his best friend, Jacob. When I first met him, he played that asshole act. He was mean to everyone but in a joking kind of way. The first time we actually talked he came up to my work and he was making fun of me but in the im just kidding around type of way. He waited for me to get off and we sat outside and talked for a good hour. Then he invited me to the car show. We had a blast. We sat around and made fun of people and for once in my life I felt comfortable enough to be myself. We decided to hang out all the time. We were never apart. I enjoyed his company and he enjoyed mine. Jacob became my best friend within weeks of knowing him. I just felt like I could trust him. When we weren't together we were texting and vice versa. I didn't know what the feeling inside me was but I liked it. When I finally got him to open up to me about his feelings, something inside me clicked. I just knew this guy is my future and I don't want to be with anyone else. When you know you know but no one understands that on the outside looking in. So I made the first move. I decided to kiss Jacob one night, he put his arm around me to give me sort of a hug and I just kissed him. I still laugh about it now because we both just were shocked and giddy about it after. We were good for a long time. We had our fights but nothing major. I got pregnant within the first 5 months of us being together. And he had plans to move to Arizona. Before I got pregnant I planned on moving with him. But then I thought about that baby in my stomach and I got scared. Moving 2000 miles away from my family when I need them the most right now. I just couldn't do it, not to me or my unborn child. So he gave up Arizona but he also made sure I regretted it every day. He made snide remarks and was just plain mean. Don't get me wrong he is a GREAT guy and there were times I started the arguments but I was pregnant and hormonal. He was gone all the time working and I just wanted to spend some time with him before the baby came. But the fights started to get worse and the name calling started to become normal. Then Alexis was born. This beautiful baby girl, who looked at me like I was her everything. She lit up my life on my cloudy days and always kept me from going astray. We decided to get married, we made that commitment to do whatever it takes to make this work. But the arguments didn't stop, Jacob was never around he was always out working or doing something else. Then the lies started and I got hurt and I decided to just give up fighting some days. I pushed him away and I just didn't care. Then last march he decided to leave for Arizona by himself. He left for 2 1/2 months and we fought through out that whole two months, what about? I have no idea. I honestly don't know what we fought about before. Then he decided to come back to give things a try again. He promised me that he would try to be home more as long as I tried not to nag. At that point I decided to be selfish and just look out for what I wanted and needed. I called him names and told him he shouldn't come home. I never cooked or cleaned for him. I didn't really care about anything but taking care of Alexis. I got myself into this funk because I thought it would hurt less when he leaves me again. Because all he did was work 24/7. He would blow me off to go do some more work. And sometimes he would lie about where he was. I felt like things would never change. I wanted to feel better and feel like I was top priority. Why not right? Your spouse should be top priority. But things always stayed the same. One of us always gives up on the other.
Now here we are March 2014, 3 years down the road and he has left me again. I understand why, I was selfish and impatient and never made him feel like he was top priority. But now he is saying he isn't "in love with me". That is something I don't believe.
I have made some really bad choices in life, I get that. Everyone has. But what I have realized in love, when you really care and love someone you don't surrender. Even if the situation you are in isn't ideal for you, you shouldn't give up. That's the easy way out. You can't expect things to just lay in your lap and be handed to you. Nothing is ever that easy and if it is then there's something wrong with it.
I have always been the girl to give up and give in and just try to find someone else. But why? Because I am not strong enough to fight? Because I don't think I am worth is? No, I am strong enough and I am worth it. I am facing myself head on because the last 3 years has turned me into this person I don't want to be anymore. I am not going to be that angry little girl anymore. I want to be happy and the only one who can do that is me. And I will fight day in and day out to make myself happy.
But I also know that the one thing that will make me happy is being a family with my husband. He has made his mistakes and has hurt me worse then any other guy but I also see that some person I fell in love with.
Right now he is willing to throw away the past 3 years. But I am not. I
Everyone keeps saying "oh just move on with your life" "you deserve better" "he must not really love you" yadda yadda yadda. But right now I can't believe that. I am not ready to just give up on the person I married and maybe he is willing to but I just can't. He says its to late for things to change but I will never, ever believe in the words “too late” because it is never too late to be exactly who you wish, do exactly what you should, say exactly what needs to be heard, and live the exact life you should be living.
When I first fell in love I had such high hopes, I was 15 and young and free. He took my hand and promised me forever. He romanced me and he took EVERYTHING from me. I thought he was my forever, and I let him take the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't give away (at least not till I was out of high school). I let him take it and he took it selfishly and then took my heart slammed it on the ground and curb stomped it. I thought my life was over. I thought I would never find another person like him because I thought he was my one and only. I mean hey I was 15 and naive. I moped around for months and months hoping that my heart would stop loving him. Then one day he came back, he said he made a mistake and he wanted to be with me again. I was ecstatic, it made me think that he really was the one for me. Two weeks later, he dumps me for some pretty girl.
That lead me on a spiral of doing bad things with another wrong guy. Lets call him R.
He was my first real, I'd do anything for him head over heels, love. He was also my best friends ex boyfriend. But I didn't care. He made me laugh. He made me feel special for the first time in my life I felt like I was something to someone. I could talk to him about everything and anything. And when he looked into my eyes with those beautiful blue eyes I would fall deeper in love. I was 16 when I actually hung out with him as a friend and not as a friends boyfriend. Originally it wasn't supposed to end that way, I was supposed to be with someone else but plans changed. And he stayed with me all night and we talked. He gave me butterflies and made me laugh harder then I ever thought I could. But things changed 3 months down the road, he became mean and sadistic. He would sit and call me names for no reason. He would fight with me day and night no matter what. He knew how to make me feel high but always how to feel lower then dirt. But I allowed it, for 6 months. I didn't know that love wasn't supposed to be that way. I just knew that he made me feel whole but still made me feel empty too. Then he found someone else, a total downgrade in my opinion, but he didn't want me anymore. But I also knew that wasn't the end of our story.
After that heartbreak I went through guy to guy just dating around. Having fun but not letting myself get to serious. Then I found A.
God, in my eyes he was perfect. He was good looking, funny, sweet, and caring. I never thought I would find a guy like that. He had his flaws of course but nothing that really stood out. He loved me for me and was there for me. We fell for each other fast and everything was purely emotional. A was the one guy I didn't feel like needed sex to be with me. He took care of me while I was sick and we never had a big blow out fight till we broke up that is. The one day I planned to have sex, we were just about to when I refused because there was no protection. He got mad and he left and wouldn't answer my calls or texts. I was upset and hurt so I broke it off. To me now that was a regret I wish I could take back. I have apologized to him but he will not forgive me.
After me and A broke up, I found R again. He was just about to graduate out of the army and he wanted to get back together. So I said yes. But then he started doing his game where he would not talk to me for days and then still send me a text that he is thinking of me. I just couldn't let myself get back to the girl who was always being put down. Who felt broken all the time. I just couldn't do it not anymore. So I broke up with him this time. I supposedly "broke his heart" but to this day I don't believe it.
I was fine being single (not for very long) but I was okay with it. Then one night I went out dancing and I met someone familiar. A guy that I haven't seen in years. He was my best friend in middle school and I had the biggest crush on him. And my how he grew! Literally, he was very very short in middle school! Ha! But he asked me for my number and I gave it to him and we talked for days. And then we started hanging out, and he kissed me. Like I said I fall quick and easy. We moved in together and we were together for almost 2 years. I thought I loved him for a long time. I thought I had a future with him. But I found out he cheated, with not only one but three other girls. And he was always hitting on someone and wouldn't cut ties with his ex who was still in love with him. I felt stuck. I didn't know what to do. Then he joined the army. And introduced me to his best friend the day he left. Told him to look after me and take care of me. I still stayed with him through out the training. We were planning on getting married. I am not good at hurting people so I decided to just settle because I didn't think anyone else would want me.
So I started hanging out with his best friend, Jacob. When I first met him, he played that asshole act. He was mean to everyone but in a joking kind of way. The first time we actually talked he came up to my work and he was making fun of me but in the im just kidding around type of way. He waited for me to get off and we sat outside and talked for a good hour. Then he invited me to the car show. We had a blast. We sat around and made fun of people and for once in my life I felt comfortable enough to be myself. We decided to hang out all the time. We were never apart. I enjoyed his company and he enjoyed mine. Jacob became my best friend within weeks of knowing him. I just felt like I could trust him. When we weren't together we were texting and vice versa. I didn't know what the feeling inside me was but I liked it. When I finally got him to open up to me about his feelings, something inside me clicked. I just knew this guy is my future and I don't want to be with anyone else. When you know you know but no one understands that on the outside looking in. So I made the first move. I decided to kiss Jacob one night, he put his arm around me to give me sort of a hug and I just kissed him. I still laugh about it now because we both just were shocked and giddy about it after. We were good for a long time. We had our fights but nothing major. I got pregnant within the first 5 months of us being together. And he had plans to move to Arizona. Before I got pregnant I planned on moving with him. But then I thought about that baby in my stomach and I got scared. Moving 2000 miles away from my family when I need them the most right now. I just couldn't do it, not to me or my unborn child. So he gave up Arizona but he also made sure I regretted it every day. He made snide remarks and was just plain mean. Don't get me wrong he is a GREAT guy and there were times I started the arguments but I was pregnant and hormonal. He was gone all the time working and I just wanted to spend some time with him before the baby came. But the fights started to get worse and the name calling started to become normal. Then Alexis was born. This beautiful baby girl, who looked at me like I was her everything. She lit up my life on my cloudy days and always kept me from going astray. We decided to get married, we made that commitment to do whatever it takes to make this work. But the arguments didn't stop, Jacob was never around he was always out working or doing something else. Then the lies started and I got hurt and I decided to just give up fighting some days. I pushed him away and I just didn't care. Then last march he decided to leave for Arizona by himself. He left for 2 1/2 months and we fought through out that whole two months, what about? I have no idea. I honestly don't know what we fought about before. Then he decided to come back to give things a try again. He promised me that he would try to be home more as long as I tried not to nag. At that point I decided to be selfish and just look out for what I wanted and needed. I called him names and told him he shouldn't come home. I never cooked or cleaned for him. I didn't really care about anything but taking care of Alexis. I got myself into this funk because I thought it would hurt less when he leaves me again. Because all he did was work 24/7. He would blow me off to go do some more work. And sometimes he would lie about where he was. I felt like things would never change. I wanted to feel better and feel like I was top priority. Why not right? Your spouse should be top priority. But things always stayed the same. One of us always gives up on the other.
Now here we are March 2014, 3 years down the road and he has left me again. I understand why, I was selfish and impatient and never made him feel like he was top priority. But now he is saying he isn't "in love with me". That is something I don't believe.
I have made some really bad choices in life, I get that. Everyone has. But what I have realized in love, when you really care and love someone you don't surrender. Even if the situation you are in isn't ideal for you, you shouldn't give up. That's the easy way out. You can't expect things to just lay in your lap and be handed to you. Nothing is ever that easy and if it is then there's something wrong with it.
I have always been the girl to give up and give in and just try to find someone else. But why? Because I am not strong enough to fight? Because I don't think I am worth is? No, I am strong enough and I am worth it. I am facing myself head on because the last 3 years has turned me into this person I don't want to be anymore. I am not going to be that angry little girl anymore. I want to be happy and the only one who can do that is me. And I will fight day in and day out to make myself happy.
But I also know that the one thing that will make me happy is being a family with my husband. He has made his mistakes and has hurt me worse then any other guy but I also see that some person I fell in love with.
Right now he is willing to throw away the past 3 years. But I am not. I
Everyone keeps saying "oh just move on with your life" "you deserve better" "he must not really love you" yadda yadda yadda. But right now I can't believe that. I am not ready to just give up on the person I married and maybe he is willing to but I just can't. He says its to late for things to change but I will never, ever believe in the words “too late” because it is never too late to be exactly who you wish, do exactly what you should, say exactly what needs to be heard, and live the exact life you should be living.
It's
crazy how much you realize something meant to you after it's gone and
no longer yours. But it's even harder when it haunts you the words the
person the feelings you had lingering just consuming you when you least
expect it. I remember the fights the staying up all night with
everything to lose but somehow staying together because we didn't want
to be a part. I remember the tears the screaming
and fighting, and the feeling of not wanting this anymore but knowing
that I would never so deeply care for someone else. as fucking crazy as
we were together there was so much good to it too. it was 0 to 150 in
not even a second and everything was so intense. and it's just like a
constant battle of memories and feelings that I'm pretty sure won't ever
go away and my mind trying to rationalize the moments of weakness. It's
insane but it keeps coming back, and I don't know how to deal with it.
This is my day one, of becoming the me I want to be. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
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