Day Four

Today was a good day. I haven't had one of those in such a long time and it was like a breath of fresh air. When you expect things to just always go wrong and you really don't know how to appreciate good days. But today, today I appreciated it and I enjoyed myself, and I let myself just be free for a little while without pain or sadness.
It was nothing big really. I went to see a movie with my best friend. I was worry free for about 3-4 hours! It felt so so good. I needed that in light of all the bad that has been happening.
I have realized how hard it is to find good people to surround yourself around. You think you can trust certain people and they end up turning into these monsters you don't know. You loose touch with people you thought were going to be a forever kind of friend. It's hard growing up and not truly knowing who has your back.
When you meet someone and become best friends you think "man this person will be in my life forever!" And you learn to trust them with every single dirty secret and you learn to make room in your heart for them. Then one day, they decide they don't want to be friends anymore because "their views aren't the same and they can't watch you go down a bad path" or whatever else excuse they want to make to not be your friend anymore.
Then you are left with a void of someone who you thought was going to be there till the end. And you think about how much you trusted that person and how much you have told them. Then wonder who are they going to tell your secrets too. Who will they spread lies about you too?
And you regret ever telling them one single thing about you and you hate them for making you feel like you could be vulnerable to them! How dare they right?
I have learned you can't trust anyone really with those dirty little secrets unless you want the past to keep popping up at your door. But you also don't guard yourself from opening yourself up to a new friendship.
Loosing one friend could lead you to find a better friendship.
Just because you think you "know" someone doesn't mean you really know them. You can be friends on facebook, mutal friends of a friend, or whatever and think you know the person because of what you read or hear but that is not the same. They could be a great friend and they could open the door to a great friendship.
But also, once you have trusted a friend so many times and they continue to always let you down and choose other roads without you then you need to let that friendship go and do something bigger and better and also prove them wrong about any negative things they say about you!

This is day four of becoming the me I want to be, and I am finally starting to feel good.