Sitting alone at night is hard. Sleeping alone is even harder. When you are used to sharing a bed with someone for so long and then they disappear from your life, it is like you don't know what to do with your body. Your mind races and you make these scenarios about what you wish would happen and how they would happen. You feel like you might cry but you hold it together because you know you are better then that and you are better then letting that other person break you down anymore then they have already.
How do you know enough is really enough when you love someone so much it hurts? How do you truly know?
Of course you know that you deserve better and you deserve not to hurt anymore. You deserve someone who won't walk out and destroy you every chance they get. You deserve so much better then what that other person has given you. But you don't want better, you want things to change with that person. You want that person to put you first. You want them to make you feel special. You want them to look in your eyes and make you feel that magic. You want to be loved.
I always thought it was him. I thought when I met him that he was it. He was going to change my world and make me feel things again. When we first met he never looked through me. He would look me in the eyes and talk to me. He would make me feel magic. He promised me the world. He told me that he was going to love me forever and nothing in this world would EVER change his mind. He told me I was beautiful and the only girl he ever wanted. He always told me he'd stick by me unlike every other person in my life. And I believed him because he saw me for me.
Then he stopped seeing me for me. He started judging me, calling me names, and playing games with my head. But he was a master with his words and I always forgave him. I kept saying things will be better tomorrow... they never did.
We had our good days of course and he made me feel good again but it never lasted long. He blamed me for not trying to move away from Indiana. I stole his dream away. I took his choice and stomped it to the ground. That's one mistake I will always regret.
When Alexis was born he was always working, never home, and I started getting restless. I just wanted to spend time with him and our daughter. We began fighting because of it. Maybe I shouldn't have taken it out on him and been so hard on him but I got tired of always being home. He had these expectations of me to be a housewife when we didn't even have our own house. He wanted me to cook and clean and take care of our daughter and make sure he was still taken care of when he was home. I didn't feel good enough because I didn't feel like I should have to do that for a home that wasn't truly ours. I was wrong, I see that now, but then I was stuck in my ways.
I was the only child and always had things handed to me. I barely had to work to get things done. I never had to really clean or cook much. So I didn't understand why it was such a big deal.
I sunk into this depression I thought was long gone. I got angry because he was never there for me physically or emotionally. I was mad for a lot of different reasons and I took it out on him. Then he started getting angry back. And things have went downhill ever since....
But three years later, I know in my heart that if we stopped being so angry at each other and start really trying for each other we could work. Stop being so damn stubborn and hard headed and try to build a new relationship it could be better then before. But he doesn't want to try because "he has tried for 3 years". Which is fine but he now expects me to just give up and leave him alone. To just throw away 3 years of my life and my marriage because hes "done"? No way. I am better then that. Sure I am not going to fight with him over it daily. If he wants to be alone, go for it. But I will not get a divorce. He might be immature now, thinking of himself, not really caring what happens with me or our daughter. But he will grow up sometime. And maybe sooner or later I will be done waiting around and find someone else. But today is not that day. Not now.
This is day two of becoming the me I want to be, and it wont be ending anytime soon.
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