Day One

I always thought that love would be easy. You fall in love and you live happily ever after. At least that's what the story books always told me. I fall for people easily and fast. I always see the good in them and thats what makes me fall so deep.
When I first fell in love I had such high hopes, I was 15 and young and free. He took my hand and promised me forever. He romanced me and he took EVERYTHING from me. I thought he was my forever, and I let him take the one thing I promised myself I wouldn't give away (at least not till I was out of high school). I let him take it and he took it selfishly and then took my heart slammed it on the ground and curb stomped it. I thought my life was over. I thought I would never find another person like him because I thought he was my one and only. I mean hey I was 15 and naive. I moped around for months and months hoping that my heart would stop loving him. Then one day he came back, he said he made a mistake and he wanted to be with me again. I was ecstatic, it made me think that he really was the one for me. Two weeks later, he dumps me for some pretty girl.
That lead me on a spiral of doing bad things with another wrong guy. Lets call him R.
He was my first real, I'd do anything for him head over heels, love. He was also my best friends ex boyfriend. But I didn't care. He made me laugh. He made me feel special for the first time in my life I felt like I was something to someone. I could talk to him about everything and anything. And when he looked into my eyes with those beautiful blue eyes I would fall deeper in love. I was 16 when I actually hung out with him as a friend and not as a friends boyfriend. Originally it wasn't supposed to end that way, I was supposed to be with someone else but plans changed. And he stayed with me all night and we talked. He gave me butterflies and made me laugh harder then I ever thought I could. But things changed 3 months down the road, he became mean and sadistic. He would sit and call me names for no reason. He would fight with me day and night no matter what. He knew how to make me feel high but always how to feel lower then dirt. But I allowed it, for 6 months. I didn't know that love wasn't supposed to be that way. I just knew that he made me feel whole but still made me feel empty too. Then he found someone else, a total downgrade in my opinion, but he didn't want me anymore. But I also knew that wasn't the end of our story.
After that heartbreak I went through guy to guy just dating around. Having fun but not letting myself get to serious. Then I found A.
God, in my eyes he was perfect. He was good looking, funny, sweet, and caring. I never thought I would find a guy like that. He had his flaws of course but nothing that really stood out. He loved me for me and was there for me. We fell for each other fast and everything was purely emotional. A was the one guy I didn't feel like needed sex to be with me. He took care of me while I was sick and we never had a big blow out fight till we broke up that is. The one day I planned to have sex, we were just about to when I refused because there was no protection. He got mad and he left and wouldn't answer my calls or texts. I was upset and hurt so I broke it off. To me now that was a regret I wish I could take back. I have apologized to him but he will not forgive me.
After me and A broke up, I found R again. He was just about to graduate out of the army and he wanted to get back together. So I said yes. But then he started doing his game where he would not talk to me for days and then still send me a text that he is thinking of me. I just couldn't let myself get back to the girl who was always being put down. Who felt broken all the time. I just couldn't do it not anymore. So I broke up with him this time. I supposedly "broke his heart" but to this day I don't believe it.
I was fine being single (not for very long) but I was okay with it. Then one night I went out dancing and I met someone familiar. A guy that I haven't seen in years. He was my best friend in middle school and I had the biggest crush on him. And my how he grew! Literally, he was very very short in middle school! Ha! But he asked me for my number and I gave it to him and we talked for days. And then we started hanging out, and he kissed me. Like I said I fall quick and easy. We moved in together and we were together for almost 2 years. I thought I loved him for a long time. I thought I had a future with him. But I found out he cheated, with not only one but three other girls. And he was always hitting on someone and wouldn't cut ties with his ex who was still in love with him. I felt stuck. I didn't know what to do. Then he joined the army. And introduced me to his best friend the day he left. Told him to look after me and take care of me. I still stayed with him through out the training. We were planning on getting married. I am not good at hurting people so I decided to just settle because I didn't think anyone else would want me.
So I started hanging out with his best friend, Jacob. When I first met him, he played that asshole act. He was mean to everyone but in a joking kind of way. The first time we actually talked he came up to my work and he was making fun of me but in the im just kidding around type of way. He waited for me to get off and we sat outside and talked for a good hour. Then he invited me to the car show. We had a blast. We sat around and made fun of people and for once in my life I felt comfortable enough to be myself. We decided to hang out all the time. We were never apart. I enjoyed his company and he enjoyed mine. Jacob became my best friend within weeks of knowing him. I just felt like I could trust him. When we weren't together we were texting and vice versa. I didn't know what the feeling inside me was but I liked it. When I finally got him to open up to me about his feelings, something inside me clicked. I just knew this guy is my future and I don't want to be with anyone else. When you know you know but no one understands that on the outside looking in. So I made the first move. I decided to kiss Jacob one night, he put his arm around me to give me sort of a hug and I just kissed him. I still laugh about it now because we both just were shocked and giddy about it after. We were good for a long time. We had our fights but nothing major. I got pregnant within the first 5 months of us being together. And he had plans to move to Arizona. Before I got pregnant I planned on moving with him. But then I thought about that baby in my stomach and I got scared. Moving 2000 miles away from my family when I need them the most right now. I just couldn't do it, not to me or my unborn child. So he gave up Arizona but he also made sure I regretted it every day. He made snide remarks and was just plain mean. Don't get me wrong he is a GREAT guy and there were times I started the arguments but I was pregnant and hormonal. He was gone all the time working and I just wanted to spend some time with him before the baby came. But the fights started to get worse and the name calling started to become normal. Then Alexis was born. This beautiful baby girl, who looked at me like I was her everything. She lit up my life on my cloudy days and always kept me from going astray. We decided to get married, we made that commitment to do whatever it takes to make this work. But the arguments didn't stop, Jacob was never around he was always out working or doing something else. Then the lies started and I got hurt and I decided to just give up fighting some days. I pushed him away and I just didn't care. Then last march he decided to leave for Arizona by himself. He left for 2 1/2 months and we fought through out that whole two months, what about? I have no idea. I honestly don't know what we fought about before. Then he decided to come back to give things a try again. He promised me that he would try to be home more as long as I tried not to nag. At that point I decided to be selfish and just look out for what I wanted and needed. I called him names and told him he shouldn't come home. I never cooked or cleaned for him. I didn't really care about anything but taking care of Alexis. I got myself into this funk because I thought it would hurt less when he leaves me again. Because all he did was work 24/7. He would blow me off to go do some more work. And sometimes he would lie about where he was. I felt like things would never change. I wanted to feel better and feel like I was top priority. Why not right? Your spouse should be top priority. But things always stayed the same. One of us always gives up on the other.
Now here we are March 2014, 3 years down the road and he has left me again. I understand why, I was selfish and impatient and never made him feel like he was top priority. But now he is saying he isn't "in love with me". That is something I don't believe.
I have made some really bad choices in life, I get that. Everyone has. But what I have realized in love, when you really care and love someone you don't surrender. Even if the situation you are in isn't ideal for you, you shouldn't give up. That's the easy way out. You can't expect things to just lay in your lap and be handed to you. Nothing is ever that easy and if it is then there's something wrong with it.
I have always been the girl to give up and give in and just try to find someone else. But why? Because I am not strong enough to fight? Because I don't think I am worth is? No, I am strong enough and I am worth it. I am facing myself head on because the last 3 years has turned me into this person I don't want to be anymore. I am not going to be that angry little girl anymore. I want to be happy and the only one who can do that is me. And I will fight day in and day out to make myself happy.
But I also know that the one thing that will make me happy is being a family with my husband. He has made his mistakes and has hurt me worse then any other guy but I also see that some person I fell in love with.
Right now he is willing to throw away the past 3 years. But I am not. I
Everyone keeps saying "oh just move on with your life" "you deserve better" "he must not really love you" yadda yadda yadda. But right now I can't believe that. I am not ready to just give up on the person I married and maybe he is willing to but I just can't. He says its to late for things to change but I will never, ever believe in the words “too late” because it is never too late to be exactly who you wish, do exactly what you should, say exactly what needs to be heard, and live the exact life you should be living.

It's crazy how much you realize something meant to you after it's gone and no longer yours. But it's even harder when it haunts you the words the person the feelings you had lingering just consuming you when you least expect it. I remember the fights the staying up all night with everything to lose but somehow staying together because we didn't want to be a part. I remember the tears the screaming and fighting, and the feeling of not wanting this anymore but knowing that I would never so deeply care for someone else. as fucking crazy as we were together there was so much good to it too. it was 0 to 150 in not even a second and everything was so intense. and it's just like a constant battle of memories and feelings that I'm pretty sure won't ever go away and my mind trying to rationalize the moments of weakness. It's insane but it keeps coming back, and I don't know how to deal with it.

This is my day one, of becoming the me I want to be. This is just the tip of the iceberg.