Love;

Love is a weird thing. 

When I was little I always thought I would fall in love and be in love with that person for the rest of my life.

I'd find him and that would be it. 

Boy, was I wrong.

I've been in love multiple times.

With all the wrong people of course.

But I still have faith in that little four letter word.

I've been broken and beaten. 

Shattered.

Bruised.

But love is still bursting through me, trying to find the one who will fill all those holes and patch up all those bruises.

I know I will still fall in love with the next great guy who comes along and sweeps me off my feet.

I fall fast for guys. 

I allow myself to love hard and deep because if I don't I know I'll regret never feeling that feeling.

I love LOVE.

I love sweet kisses.

I love long hugs.

I love feeling that person staring at you admiring you at random moments.

I love the sweet touches against my face.

I love the tenderness.

I love cuddling.

I love when your holding hands and they rub your fingers with theirs.

I love the happiness.

All those things happen and you catch feelings.

And then something happens and you break up and then you think you will never love again.

But the next guy always comes.

But I am tired of that "next guy". 

I want "THE" guy. 

I want;

the best friend

the companion

the lover

the partner

the real deal

the everything in one.

I'm done falling in love with these guys who just care about themselves.

I'm ready to be with someone and STAY with someone.

Someone who is committed to this life WITH me.

I don't want to fight to keep love in my life.

I want easy.

I want LOVE.

I want happiness. 

I want;

kissing

cuddles

hand holding

long walks & long talks

romance

cute little surprises

silly fights

more good times then bad

no second guessing

trust

faith

patience

understanding

loyalty

etc.

One day I will find it and I will be the luckiest woman in the world...

ONE DAY

Wake up.

Sweetheart listen to me. It's time to leave it alone. It's time to put your big girl panties on and move forward with your life.

I know what you are thinking. "No, I can't he really loves me, he will realize it and we will make up! We always do!" 

You need to stop giving in to him, and you need to stop going back to the boy who keeps leaving you in the first place. He’s clearly not scared of losing you, and that means something.

When people say love is blind, it’s definitely true. You are only seeing what you want to see, focusing on the good things. You may think he treats you okay, maybe that you’ll never do better and that you’re not just another girl to him.

Let's think about it: Why do you love the idea of something or someone? There are more then seven billion people in the world and you are hung up on one?! Why love the idea of who you WANT him to be when you can find someone who CAN be that person? 

If it's one thing you shouldn't settle for its the person you spend your life with. 

SO STOP. 

LEAVE.

WALK AWAY. 

Well here I am again;

Here I am back in Indiana. I stepped on that plane and took that step away from my life. The life I so desperately wanted and still do. But I was hoping for a fight.
That man I love so much I was hoping he would have told me to stay told me not to go and that he wanted me to be there. But I was disappointed.
these last couple months I've been struggling with myself and my marriage. If you haven't read my last blog post all those feelings are in there.
I still feel that way. I feel like I have no meaning in my life but to be a parent to Alexis. I feel like nothing is going right within myself. I am struggling with that fact.
I love my daughter more then life and I wish I could give her that happy home and happy family. I wish I could give her a happy mommy and happy daddy.
I walked away from my life, I walked away because I felt not wanted or loved in the relationship. and all i needed was the reassurance that he did want me and love me.
So here I am yet again separated from the man I love because i felt like he didn't love me enough to stop me. I am sitting here confused and lost because all I can picture is myself running from that plane and still being disappointed. I feel like making that step was a mistake, yes, but also i feel like if i didn't make that step i would have never known and I would still be disappointed.
And now I just feel lost because everything I believed in is gone. Everything that I had hoped for is lost...

WHY I STAYED;

I was once happy where I was. There were infinite possibilities—the love we shared was deep and powerful—I was desperate to rekindle that.
In the beginning, it felt wonderful and joyous as we were exploring new things together and I was learning so much about myself.
I remembered the fun we used to have and how fulfilled I was. He was everything I thought I wanted.
My friends and family used to comment on how happy I was, as if they were envious of the joy I radiated. They wanted it too, or so I thought.
When things started to change, and the feelings began to fade, I wondered where I went wrong. I was hopeful that it would come back that strong again.
I was upset with myself, that I was somehow to blame.
I felt that staying showed my commitment and I was worried that if I leave too soon I would live to regret it.
I waited for things to get better. I stayed optimistic that things would change.
I questioned many times if I should leave.
But instead, I looked for signs that I should stay. And sometimes when I looked hard enough, I found them.
Besides, it wasn’t terrible and there was still some good left. Others certainly had it worse.

 WHY I LEFT;

This man I look at every day was a great man. He made sure we had a roof over our head, food in our stomach's, and made sure the power was always on.
But there was always something missing. That connection to his family.
That connection to me. I told him before I left fight for us if you really loved us. I gave him up to the very last second to tell us to stay. And he never did. He let me walk away. The man I needed to hear those three little words from let me walk away.


As I sit here today with all these mixed emotions, I also remember nothing in this world will ever make me stop loving that man. No one will ever understand and I don't think he will ever understand how much I love him. And right now that's okay.... He will realize it one day.... I HOPE.

The last couple months

The last couple months have been trying for me. I decided to move forward in the marriage I was in. I moved half way across the US to Arizona and uprooted my whole life. Which is okay it's not that bad here in Arizona. Of course I miss Indiana but something is holding me back from being happy. Everyone says it's my husband. My husband says it's myself. But honestly how am I supposed to be happy when I don't even know who I am anymore.
How exactly do you find yourself?
How do you begin that journey?
Where does it end? The self loathing? The emptiness? The anger?
How do you feel while again?
I always believed having a person you love and a family makes you whole but for me now that's not the case.
I used to be this fun loving sweet innocent girl. Sure I had my demons and had a hard time coping in high school.
And I thought the older I get the less the demons can hurt me. But it seems no matter what I do they creep back into my head. I can feel the darkness sneaking into my soul and devouring every light thing it comes into contact with.
It's like a rabid animal that hasn't eaten in years. It was any light that it senses. No matter what the happiness. It makes me feel alone. No one understands. No matter how simply I try to explain it. No one listensthey think I should just stop focusing on the bad and be thankful for what I have. And it's not that I'm not thankful it's that I don't know how to be thankful. I'm such a miserable person lately. And it's not fair do me to continue on this way.
I could never really go through with killing myself because I know that it would hurt the people around me. And I really don't want to do that either. I mean I do think to myself would these people be better off without me. What about if they never even met me. I always wonder what kind of impact I've made on this planet. Have I really even bettered anyone's life? Have I done any good at all?
I struggle with the question "what's the point of my life" where's my purpose? Why was I put on this earth? To sit and struggle with depression? To hurt the people around me? WHAT'S THE POINT?!
I'm a constant disappointment. I'm always letting someone down. Especially my husband. I love that man so much but yet I'm constantly angry at him. He doesn't understand me anymore he doesn't even try to   What am I supposed to do when he doesn't understand I'm just lost! I'm struggling day in and day out to try and keep myself from having a breakdown. I can't cry around him he thinks I'm just faking it for dramatics. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do anymore. All he cares about is a clean house... I feel no safety with him. I'm so angry. I don't even know if he really still loves me. Which I'd understand. I wouldn't want to be with someone who is as big of a mess as me. I'm all over the road. He deserves a whole girl not someone who is completely shattered. My heart breaks to say this but maybe he was right not to want to be with me last year....
I don't know anymore I wish I did....
I wish I was more...
I wish I was better...

How do I get better when better always seems to fade?

Day Seven Eight Nine & Ten

I missed a couple days of writing. I've actually been out and not mopping around the house anymore. I have been having fun and doing things I haven't gotten to do since being held down.
I am starting to realize how unhappy I have been the last couple years and why.
I have realized being in a relationship with someone who wants to set limits for you but doesn't like having limits set for them is toxic. And I started seeing the little signs on the relationships I have been in. And why I was truly unhappy!
Everyone always said these guys were doing these things behind my back and even controlling my life and now I can see that! I can see all the wrong doings and bad things.
And I don't want that anymore. I want to be my own person I want to grow into myself and be me again. I wanna be that happy girl who was always laughing and giggling and goofing around and I know I still can be that and be a mother. And that is something great to me!
I can be a great mom and still be a great me also. This whole revaluation thing has done wonders for my soul. I feel lighter and free. I haven't felt that way in such a long time and it feels fabulous.
I always felt like I had to rely on someone being there but this last year it was like I was on my own anyone just with restrictions!
I am going to start living my life for me and no one else. If I want to do something crazy no one has the right to judge my actions. Its MY life and doesn't affect anyone but me. I am done listening to others tell me what I can and can't do! If I want to go out I will go out! If I want to have a drink I'll go drink. If I decide I want to be away from the manipulation then I will. I honestly don't care about anyone that doesn't act like they care about me!
I am wiping my hands clean and making a life for me and my daughter, and that's all I need to do!

The last few days, I have really started feeling like I am becoming the me I really want to be <3

Day Six

All I want from someone, anyone, is to know that all they want is me. I just want someone to put me first and always make sure I don't feel like I'm not wanted.
In my marriage, it was like he put work in front of me and always made me feel like I wasn't worth of his time. And then I started feeling like is it just work? Or is he turning into all the other guys and seeing someone on the side? Am I not worth the effort in just spending time together anymore? Or is there someone better out there that has caught his attention?
Then I start thinking maybe he is better off without me because I am not that great. Maybe another woman would make him happier then I ever could.

I don't know whats real or whats fake anymore in my life because anything that is good always turns bad. It's hard to accept things the way they are because you never know how they REALLY are.
Like if you love someone how do you know they really love you? How do you know they aren't hiding things from you? How do you know they don't have a secret life when they are away from you?
I want to believe that everyone is always honest and truthful but the fact is not a lot of people are now a days. I want to be able to trust people, but its hard when people keep on deceiving you. You can't even trust your own spouse because who knows he might have a secret side you don't know of. And you are to blinded by the fact that you love that person to see all the lies.
And maybe that's my problem I am so easy to trust everyone and hard headed enough not to see whats right in front of me.
I wish everyone could just tell the truth and be honest even if it hurts. I know I try to be.

Day Five

How do you know what you are doing with your life is right?
All I do is struggle and feel like crap. And all I want is to be okay and have just a good life. I don't know how to feel like what I'm doing is right. I have all these dreams and aspirations. But I don't know how to make them work or come true.
Today's blog isn't going to be very long. I'm more confused than anything today.
I just want to know the path I'm on is the right one and that I'm doing what's best for me and my daughter.

Day five of becoming the me I want to be, and I wish I knew what was right.